For Better Or Force
by Dragonessa Smith
Summary: Several years after Hogwarts, Draco kidnaps the Dream Team, demanding the only thing he can't buy...(Warning: Silly, silly, silly)
1. The Sinister Lair

A/N: All you need is love, love, love is all you need, love is all you need, love is all you need, love is all you need...The Beatles rock. \\// Peace  
  
An all-together weird fic put together solely by the power of frozen mini M&Ms. My first attempt at humor. I mean, at least, out-right humor. Humor for humor's sake.   
  
The Sinister Lair  
  
All over the world, wizards and witches were in a panic.  
  
On the front page of the Daily Prophet, large block letters proclaimed: DREAM TEAM KIDNAPED!  
  
No one knew where they were. No one knew why they had been captured. No one knew who could do such a thing.  
  
Except, of course, the guy who did it.  
  
"Malfoy, I can't believe you are doing this!" Hermione screamed for about the seven millionth time that day. Draco sighed, turning around in his squeaky new leather chair. It matched the dark decor of his newly refurbished sinister lair perfectly.  
  
"You better believe it, because it's happening as we speak." He said dryly, glancing at her in her shatterproof-glass box. Yes, those hadn't matched his black color scheme, but they were a good investment. If only they were soundproof...  
  
"You can't keep us locked up here forever!" Harry raged, pounding his fists on the glass.  
  
"Why would I want to?" Draco rolled his eyes. "Come on, you're supposed to be so logical, Chessmaster Ron, why do you think I've kidnaped you?"  
  
"So you can force someone pretty to marry you?" Ron guessed, rubbing his chin.  
  
"Ding-ding-ding, give the boy a prize!" Draco spun in his chair. "Soon, they will find the note. Soon, they will have to meet my demand. Soon they will-"   
  
"Demand?" Harry raised an eyebrow. "You only made one? You really suck at this ransom thing."  
  
"Well, no duh, it's my first time." Draco sighed. "Honestly, you three couldn't act any dumber if you changed your name to Britney Spears, badda-BUM!" He played an imaginary drum set before going on.   
  
"I've got money, oh, tons of it. I've got fame, my daddy made sure of that." A dark look crossed his face. "Damn those Star-Search judges and their easy bribability! Damn them!" Shaking it off, he continued. "The only thing I'm missing-" Draco paused, posing. "Is someone to share it with."  
  
"You kidnaped us so you could get a puppy?" Hermione cried.  
  
"No!" Draco shouted. "A-"  
  
"A kitten, then?" Ron guessed.  
  
"Silence!" Draco screamed. He sat back down in his chair, squeaking noisily, and punched a button on the side of the chair.  
  
The sound of raindrops and crickets filled the air. He turned his chair round, so he couldn't see them. Sighing, he sank further into his chair.  
  
Yes, sometimes a man's best friend is his white-noise machine.  
  
A/N: Just so you guys know, everything I've written so far will stay as I started it, with only book 4 references. (",) 


	2. The Reaction

The Reaction  
  
A/N: I love thesauruses! I had no idea what a 'banal euphamism' was a couple minutes ago!  
  
"Parvati!" Lavender screeched. "You're picture's in the paper!"  
  
"Where?" Parvati flew through the room, half her hair in rollers, knocking down a guy with a clipboard. "Let me-Oh, Lavender, you ditz, that's Padma." She dropped the paper on the table, and was halfway back to the styling chair when she screamed, "Padma!"  
  
They huddled around the paper, with the rest of the models getting ready for the photo shoot previewing the Spring Teen Witch Weekly line, and the slightly bruised clip-board guy.  
  
"Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, and Hermione Granger were abducted from their homes and places of business last Thursday. It was originally suspected that there was no ransom note, but one was found stuck up Ms. Granger's chimney. It listed the kidnapper's only demand-" Lavender gasped. "Was Ms. Padma Patil's consent to marry."   
  
They all looked at Parvati, who was pale with shock. Lavender continued reading. "He goes on to describe himself as tall, blonde, and muscular, and his hobbies are long walks on the beach and fruitless attempts at world-domination. He is also a non-smoker, and a Libra with a dogmatic type-A personality. The note was signed, Draco Malfoy"  
  
"NO!" Blaise Zabini cried. "He said he was going to marry me once he got back from Yemen!"  
  
"Honey," Laura said gently. "He hasn't been in Yemen."   
  
"Dammit!" Blaise shouted. "And it even sounded like a real country!"  
  
"The families of Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger had this to comment, "PADMA MARRY THE DARN FOOL! The family of Harry Potter urges her to take her time, and told the Daily Prophet's reporters to never contact them again." Lavender finished.   
  
"I can't believe this!" Parvati anguished. "We look exactly the same, why's he want her?!?"  
  
Why indeed? Perhaps because of her vast knowledge. Perhaps because she was a very successful and prominent professor at Hogwarts by now. Perhaps because she looked exactly like Parvati, but Malfoy figured he had a better shot with-  
  
"No! No! No!" Draco shouted. "I want Padma because she never liked me!"   
  
"I never liked you either." Hermione asserted.  
  
"And look," Draco couldn't suppress a grin. "I got you, didn't I?"   
  
Despite his obvious lack of a good sense of humor and knowledge of many stories where the villain was foiled because he revealed his plan to his captured victims, prematurely believing his plan was fool-proof, Draco decided to explain further.  
  
"All through Hogwarts, I knew all the Slytherin's adored me. And it was hard to miss Hermione and Ginny's affections. And pretty soon, the whole female population was pining away for me, or at least calling me hot. But pretty soon I realized, there was one girl who I never saw staring at me in the Great Hall. Who never bumped into me after classes 'accidentally.' She wasn't as bad as you, Granger, hiding in the library all the time, but she was smart. She cared nothing about my looks. She was that mythical girl who actually didn't care about looks, but what was on the inside."  
  
"Who is he talking to?" Ron asked.  
  
"I don't know, I learned to tune him out several years ago." Hermione sighed.  
  
"I know you were listening to me fill the bath that one night in the prefect's bathroom when you thought I didn't see you behind the towels..." Draco smirked even wider, enjoying the way her face complimented Ron's hair.  
  
"I did not!" Hermione huffed indignantly, still turning redder. "Anyway, I was smarter than Padma-"  
  
"Actually, she was just as smart as you, only she wasn't as much of a show-off, so less people knew about her."  
  
"Little whore." Hermione muttered.  
  
"So," Draco continued, talking to people Harry, Hermione, and Ron couldn't see. "Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah..."  
  
"Now we can make our escape!" Harry whispered to the other two. While Draco had been talking, they had been quietly rocking their shatterproof blocks back and forth, as to round down the edges. They were now contained in shatter-proof glass orbs, and began to roll towards the exit, which was conveniently big enough for them.  
  
Draco stopped talking for a moment to catch his breath, then froze. He no longer heard the snide comments or groans of boredom from his captives. He spun around and shrieked.  
  
"No! You guys can't escape, you'll foil my first big evil plan!"  
  
"Well, okay-" Ron started to slow down, but Harry hit him from behind.  
  
"Get going, dumbass!"  
  
"Manicotti! Ravioli! Tortellini! Get them!" Draco shouted, finally taking charge.  
  
"I wonder who Manicotti, Tortellini, and Ravioli are?" Ron wondered, upside down and completely unaware of the fact.  
  
"Perhaps it's a banal euphemism for some Itallian thugs who shall stop us?" Harry guessed.  
  
"You guys read too much into things." Draco muttered.  
  
Three large pieces of pasta waddled over and grabbed the now shatter-proof glass bubbles. 


	3. The Near Getaway

The Near-Getaway  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: You can tell I was watching the Kim Possible Marathon and the Simpsons when I wrote this...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ten minutes later, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were dueling for their lives in a dark room deep underneath Draco's Evil Condo of Doom.  
  
"How did we escape again?" Hermione asked, realizing she hadn't said anything in a while.  
  
"I bit Manicotti." Ron replied.  
  
"What'd it taste like?"  
  
"It tasted like pure evil."  
  
Harry arched an eyebrow. "...alrighty."  
  
"Okay, think Bill's cooking."  
  
They had vanquished all of Draco's cronies, who had conveniently attacked them one on one, and were standing, tense and tired, waiting for the next big wave of villains, or at least for one to jump off the floor and attack.  
  
They didn't have to wait long as the ceiling crumbled away and Draco appeared in some sort of hovercraft, which boasted a huge ray.  
  
"It looks bad. He's got some kind of ray!"  
  
"What kind of ray?"  
  
"Gravatonic!" Draco called down, waving excitedly.  
  
"Gravatonic? Wow, you're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend! Ha!" Ron shouted back. "Now THAT was a good one. Britney Spears is so easy to mock."  
  
"Hurry, let's run up those stairs!"  
  
"Wait!" Ron shouted. "Did you say 'hurry' or 'Harry'?"  
  
"I said hurry, why?"  
  
"Just wanted to make sure you hadn't forgotten about me. Hey, look! A get away car!"  
  
"A get away car?" Harry rolled his eyes in an exasperated way. "She's not even trying anymore, is she?"  
  
"Who?" Hermione and Ron were already in the car, waiting for Harry to jump into the driver's seat so they could speed away.  
  
"Nothing." Harry sighed, climbing into the car. "Any weapons?"  
  
"I found a gun!" Ron cried happily; finally, something seemed to be going good for them.  
  
"Fire at will, Ron!"  
  
"Who's Will?"  
  
"Shut up and use the gun on Draco!"  
  
He turned around, took careful aim at Draco's hovercraft...and chucked the gun at it. It bounced off with a small 'ding'.  
  
Hermione twisted around in her seat, glaring at Ron, who was staring at his hands.  
  
"You. Yeah, you. You don't get to do anything."  
  
Despite all their evading and driving and working together and Ron's skill with guns, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were recaptured and being held, ironically enough, in the only Justice of the Peace's office within a hundred miles of Hogwarts.   
  
It was also next door to a restaurant where Padma and some friends from legal aide had been eating dinner. And Padma just happened to be wearing a white dress. Not a good choice in a ribs joint, but she had never had good fashion taste.  
  
Wait-maybe that wasn't as ironic as it could have been. But it was damn coincidental.  
  
When Padma looked out the window and saw her poor friends behind tied to chairs by Draco-er, Padma? Padma! Where's Padma?  
  
"You know, I never really knew any of them that well." She groused to a lawyer friend, gnawing on a rather large piece of meat. "I mean, sure, Hermione and I would compete for grades, and I went to Yule Ball with Ron, but we never hung out, we never talked, we never-"  
  
Stayed on script?  
  
Padma sighed. "Oh no. Harry, Ron, Hermione. They are captured. I must save them by sacrificing myself and wedding Draco."  
  
Finally...er, Padma and friends marched straight away into the Justice of the Peace's office.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Draco!" She called. "Draco! Fine! I'll marry you! But you must let Ron, Hermione, and Harry go first!"  
  
"Yes!" Draco hugged Ron. "I'm gonna be loved! It worked! And just in time too, you guys were starting to smell." He sniffed. "Or it might have just been Ron, but you know..." 


	4. The Wedding

The Wedding  
  
A/N: This thing just keeps getting stranger on me...I mean seriously, when would Percy and Padma have hung out?  
  
"Do you, Draco Cecil Malfoy-"  
  
"Cecil." Ron sniggered. "Harry!" He poked him. "Draco's middle name is Cecil!"  
  
"Ahem." The Justice scowled at Ron before continuing. "Do you, Draco Cecil-" He paused, glaring at Ron, daring him to laugh again. He did. "Malfoy, do you take Padma Parvati Patil as your forcibly wedded wife? In sickness and in-"  
  
"Yeah, I do, we don't need the rest of that crap, I know you get paid by the hour." Draco glared contemptuously at the old man, who merely sighed before turning to Padma.  
  
"Do you, Padma Parvati Patil-"  
  
"Hey! Harry!" Ron poked him again. "Padma's middle name is her sister's name! D'you think her parents planned that?" Seeing Harry was trying his hardest to not pay any attention to Ron, he poked him harder. "Hey, her initials are PPP, we should start calling her P-Cube or something-"  
  
Harry turned finally and beat Ron unconscious with a chair, garnering aplause from the small group that had gathered.  
  
"Thank you. Do you, Padma Parvati Patil, take Draco Cecil Malfoy as your forcibly wedded husband?"  
  
"Yeah, since I have to be the noble one..." Padma sighed, nodding.  
  
"Fine. I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride-er, only if you both want to." The Justice added as Padma sent him a death glare.  
  
"So, we're married now?" She asked Draco.  
  
"Yep!" Draco grinned, pulling her towards him in a tight embrace. She pulled a can of mace out of her purse and spritzed it in his eyes before turning back to the judge.  
  
"In that case, I'd like to ask for an annulment before you leave, Justice."  
  
"What?" Draco shouted, still rubbing his eyes. "You can't! I said you had to marry me to make me release them-"  
  
"You only said I had to marry you, you didn't say I had to stay married to you!" She cried triumphantly.  
  
"But...but..." Draco whimpered, his eyes filling with tears. "Damn mace..."  
  
"I'm afraid she's got you there." A lawyer friend of Padma's spoke up.  
  
"Yeah, drop dead, punk." Padma laughed as everyone cheered. "I'm in love with Remus Lupin."  
  
"Right on, sister!" Parvati cried. "Older men! Yeah!"  
  
Padma sighed. "No, I like him because he's a soulful, tortured genius trapped in his own mind-"  
  
"Yeah, and his brown hair and beautiful gray eyes had nothing to do with it, right?" Lavender laughed.  
  
"Haven't you been reading the story?" Padma yelled. "I don't care about what's on the outside! That's why Draco made me marry him!"  
  
The models stared at her.  
  
"Omigod, you like, serious?" Blaise asked.  
  
"No, she likes Remus, can't you get it straight?"  
  
Padma shook her head. "Do you ever feel like you're fighting a losing battle against a force much stupider than you?" She asked Percy.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good, I'm not the only one." 


End file.
